My friend Rosita is a trater. I'm so mad I think I'm gonna explode. My head feels like a balloon.
Remember I tole you that my boyfriend took off on me with some bitch-hore-slut in his truck and he took my radio too what I got from radio shack? Well, it's even worse than that.
Rosita calls me last night and to talk about this soccer player she saw on the street. She say, "Yeah, he's playing in the Under-20 tournament for Uruguay, and he's all sad cause the USA beat his ass out of the tournament". I'm like, "Sure, but is he hott?" She say, "Oh, he's hott and then some." Then she say, "Oh, like, by the way, I'm now seeing Johnny and me and him are moving in together!"
I'm like, "Oh no you di-int just say that to me!"
WHAT THE FUCK! She stole my boyfriend but she has to tell me like that!
I go, "Girl, you are such a fuckin trater. You supposed to be my friend, now you steel my man! What the fuck is wrong witch you?"
She say, "Oh Smenita. I sooo sorry. I di-int mean for this to happen. It just happened by isself."
I go, "Oh, so it just 'happened' that you accidentally lift up your skirt, and accidentally pull down your panties, and then, by accident, you sit on his face!!!"
WTF!!!
She say, "I can't help it. I think I'm in love. When I see him, I feel bubbles in my heart, you know?"
Bubbles in her heart!!!
I say, "Girl, the next bubbles you gonna see is the ones that come out of your mouth when I hold your head down in the toilet. They gonna be the last fuckin bubbles to come out your filthy mouth too, you bitch-hore-slut!"
I know, babies, it's not nice to see Smenita like this, but I say that trater friends are no friends at all. Rosita di-int have to do this to me. She could have avoided the "bubbles" by staying the fuck away from my boyfriend.
Smenita is angry.
Smenita will have her day.
6 comments:
Amen seester. I will have to take you out to your favourite Churasquieria on Dundas Street and buy you a whole chicken and a pitcher of sambuca for this one.
A whole chicken? That's the nicest thing anyone ever said to Smenita. Even Johnny only ever took me out for BBQ colbassa. He never gave me a chicken.
Thanks K-Jelly. It's a date!
I don't think Smenita can handle a whole pitcher of sambuca though. That's too much fire for me. Maybe sangria though?
I'm sure we can barter. I'm in serious need of a sympathy blow job right now, so...
If the realtionship was just a few casual meetings then it's marginaly acceptable but still not cool.
However everyone should know by the time they are adults that once juices are shared friends do not screw friends ex's. (knowing my friends the idea of me being with their exes makes me want to shower with lye.)
I think a girls night out, a bottle of something to smooth the waters and lul her into a drunken stupor would be appropriate, then you get the large hypodermic needle add about 200 cc of air which should be sufficient to give your friend many bubbles in the heart.
The sad fact is many of my husband's friends have hit on me over the years, very directly or indirectly. There are only a few that haven't. Years ago I made the mistake of telling him and he was justifiably pissed. It's not flattering, it's insulting but I think some men (not in this case, but in general) are turned on by the fact that it's a friend's wife.
LOL!! I just reread these comments. Sympathy blow job...Too funny.
(But I bet it works)
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